Straight From The Journal

Here are a few entries from my journal that I thought gave a good description of some of the things I went through on outreach.

January 26, 2012

… I also was given another word today. This one fits right into a long saga between God and I about goals and expectations for outreach. Here is how it goes:

·      Outreach locations are announced along with a speech about giving up expectations.

·      Every South East Europe team meeting makes outreach sound like torcher. It leaves me begging God to show up in crazy ways just to keep me sane.

·      God pulls me from the SEE team and puts me on the Germany Team. I considered being hand chosen and an honor and a sign that God has great things in store; However,

·      I still don’t really have any personal goals for outreach asides from serving the people.

·      I got through half of the outreach, still without knowing what my goals were or what God wanted me to do. And I was kinda okay with that until

·      Our pastoral visit. Where I had a one-on-one and he kept asking me about my goals, to which I responded that I didn’t have any.

·      A few memorable conversations I had with God about it, received answers like: “my favorite part about outreach is that ‘you try’ and ‘I want you to touch the heart of the people’.

·      Then today I was given the word that I should stop searching so hard and that God would put me in situations where I could touch hearts, but I might not realize it until later.

·      Now I’m life standing here saying “Thanks God, I’m getting attacked from all sides and you say ‘stop trying so hard’?!?!” I guess all I can do is trust you.

February 5, 2012

God, my brain is soo full, AGAIN. I’m at home and I’m still hitting the same wall I’ve been hitting for the past eight weeks. Why can’t I get past this? I’ve had a full week to think and process without “working”. I’ve been able to tell my stories to my friends and family. I’ve been able to inspire people. But every time I go to tell my stories I have to convince myself that it is important. What have I done to scare the enemy so bad that he is always trying to attack me?

            I Went.

I was willing to serve. I stepped out. I’ve been hit from all sides. I’ve been attacked with everything and anything, including a loved ones death. But I’m still standing. I was given the chance to come home, and I did. But I’m going back. I will not quit. That is what I have done to scare the enemy. I have victory in Christ. Even if, I only change one person. Even If I only do what comes naturally. Even if all I did was go. I have chosen to fallow God, no matter what, and that is what gives me victory over the enemy.

~Bethany Graybill